I am pulling one of those all nighters again. The children have been playing tag with the flu/cold/germ bug and life around here has been a little messy. Messy in terms of a flooded basement, laundry (again), and homeschooling challenges. It has been one of those months where I have fantasised about literally dropping off Cohen at school and waving goodbye from the van. It would be so much easier wouldn't it? I would just like to catch my breath.
No time for that now. On Saturday I started my journey into Breakthrough part 2 (or season 2 as I like to call it). Breakthrough is kind of like Christian group therapy with intensity and reflection at every turn. Through my first day I discovered something about myself in the words of one of the other members in my group. I realized that I felt that I was cursed, deserving of bad things, and I should just accept that stability and peace were not mine to have. For some reason I have felt that God wanted me go through the loss of my father, devastation, my husband's battle with depression, my battle with anger, illness, financial difficulties, and on and on. I have felt for a long time that God was punishing me for not being good enough.
I started a study on the book Captivating and I have been captivated by the message. This book describes so much of the confusion, frustration and hurt that women struggle with.
"An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy... After all if we were better women-whatever that means-life wouldn't be so hard. Right? We wouldn't have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts."
I had allowed a lie to slip in and and take up residence in my mind. Because I am too messy, not humble enough, not gentle enough, and not "godly" enough God would forever pour his wrath on me in the form of hardship and loss. This is all wrapped up in another lie I tell myself: I can win God's love. If only I am a gracious mother, solid wife and dutiful follower of Christ God will love me and pour favour down on me. It looks outrageous when I reread my words. I should know better. After all how many verses have I had to memorize about grace?
Through Breakthrough and Captivating I am beginning to discover lies I have grown to believe and need to let go of.
What lies do you hold on to?