Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Poop for the Course

Last week I ran my first official 5k race.  I spent the past 3 months preparing for this race.  This included running 3 times a week and cross-training 3 times a week.  I tried to eat clean and maintain a healthy mind.  When the day came for the race my mother and my four children joined me with as much excitement and anticipation as I had.  Watching the other women I saw that  though we were on the same course we are not all running the same race. 

As I took hold of the first 10 minutes of the race a bird came out of nowhere and decided to poop what seemed like Niagara Falls on my leg.  I had a moment where I thought this is it.  I can't continue with this menagerie of diseases following down my leg.  The next thought pushed through.  If I can run the rest of the race with this vile stuff strolling down my leg I would have accomplished something even greater than I set out to.

Lately I have been struck with feelings of loneliness, grief and a general feeling of being overwhelmed.  I heard myself say over and over that I just want to get over these feelings.  I cried out to God to relieve me of these feelings. Not only did these feelings hang around but more worries seemed to accompany them as the days swept by.  I felt overwhelmed at the thought of raising four young children on my own and knowing that at the end of the day the responsibility falls solely on me.  Don't get me wrong my mother is a strong support and help to me.  But at the end of the day I can't expect her help the way you would with a spouse.  When I get help it is a privilege that I am very grateful for.

Another realization I had with separation and divorce was how much I looked to others to meet my desires.  I remember having this strong need to belong from an early age.  I tried to have my friends, family, children, and marriage fill this need.  As a result of my separation I recognized this time in my life as an opportunity to accept that my fulfillment and desires cannot be completely satisfied by others.  I have had to sit with desires for companionship and belonging amongst others and place them in the hands of God.  I recognized that God alone can completely fill these desires.  When I look to others to fill them I will always ask of them what they were not meant to give.

Like my race that was literally pooped on, I can't expect to go through this separation and not encounter some poop.  Sometimes the poop has to sit with you for a while.  At the end of the race I joined my family, drank lots of water and almost forgot to wipe the poop off my leg.  The thing that almost stopped me in my tracks became manageable in the end.