Running in the Moments

I remember that first day in February when I got on the treadmill. I gave it a long hard look and wondered if I had forgotten how to run. It had been years since I felt those air like strides. As fearful as I was, I couldn't wait to feel that freedom running brought. I couldn't wait to experience the exhilarating force of energy and joy that your strides can produce. Running meant joy and peace. When I run everything is just as it should be - in the moment. Worries, anxiety and plans are left at the start. Calm, acceptance and peace await like celebratory friends at the end of a race.

Since I started adding mileage to my runs my focus has shifted a little. During the week I am focused on increasing speed. I'm usually anxiously waiting for the voice in my earphones that gives my pace and time. When I hear an unsatisfactory time I speed up and try to focus on relaxing my stride etc... Performance takes over my mind and joy slips away quietly.



When I started doing my long slow runs on Sundays, I made a decision to let the joy slip back in. For this run I pick the most beautiful spots along the lake and soak in the lake breezes. I love watching the water playing and rushing right alongside every stride. I love the sudden cool spots that surprise me every now and then. I especially can't wait to see the water facing lonely benches. Occasionally I'll see another runner who gives me a warm smile or a friendly nod.


The joy returns and the strategies, anxiousness, plans and pace slip away quietly.  Running becomes what is has always been about - the moments within the moment.

Poop for the Course

Last week I ran my first official 5k race.  I spent the past 3 months preparing for this race.  This included running 3 times a week and cross-training 3 times a week.  I tried to eat clean and maintain a healthy mind.  When the day came for the race my mother and my four children joined me with as much excitement and anticipation as I had.  Watching the other women I saw that  though we were on the same course we are not all running the same race. 

As I took hold of the first 10 minutes of the race a bird came out of nowhere and decided to poop what seemed like Niagara Falls on my leg.  I had a moment where I thought this is it.  I can't continue with this menagerie of diseases following down my leg.  The next thought pushed through.  If I can run the rest of the race with this vile stuff strolling down my leg I would have accomplished something even greater than I set out to.

Lately I have been struck with feelings of loneliness, grief and a general feeling of being overwhelmed.  I heard myself say over and over that I just want to get over these feelings.  I cried out to God to relieve me of these feelings. Not only did these feelings hang around but more worries seemed to accompany them as the days swept by.  I felt overwhelmed at the thought of raising four young children on my own and knowing that at the end of the day the responsibility falls solely on me.  Don't get me wrong my mother is a strong support and help to me.  But at the end of the day I can't expect her help the way you would with a spouse.  When I get help it is a privilege that I am very grateful for.

Another realization I had with separation and divorce was how much I looked to others to meet my desires.  I remember having this strong need to belong from an early age.  I tried to have my friends, family, children, and marriage fill this need.  As a result of my separation I recognized this time in my life as an opportunity to accept that my fulfillment and desires cannot be completely satisfied by others.  I have had to sit with desires for companionship and belonging amongst others and place them in the hands of God.  I recognized that God alone can completely fill these desires.  When I look to others to fill them I will always ask of them what they were not meant to give.

Like my race that was literally pooped on, I can't expect to go through this separation and not encounter some poop.  Sometimes the poop has to sit with you for a while.  At the end of the race I joined my family, drank lots of water and almost forgot to wipe the poop off my leg.  The thing that almost stopped me in my tracks became manageable in the end.

The Running Feeling

Photo credit: MPH photography.  Amazing Artist!

How did it feel? Is the first question my mother asks as I hobble back to the car after my first 5k.
It felt intimidating waiting to start the run with a group of people who belong on the cover of a running magazine.  It felt frightful.  What if I slip?  What if I can only continue for a short time and have to walk the whole way back?  What if my knee doesn't hold up and I just can't run through the pain?

Pushing past those thoughts...

It feels like your body is whispering words of thanks through every stride.  It feels like your feet are clusters of feathers and you finally realize that you have always had the ability to fly.

It feels like every can't, won't, shouldn't, is being crushed with every step on the pavement.  You feel like a champion crushing all the attempts to defeat your spirit and crush your heart.  You feel free.  Free of any form of mental disability and any attempts at lies that try to nest in your mind.

Even though I stopped running for several years, running always been there.  Like my running shoes, it waited quietly on the shelf for my return.   My return wasn't glorious or applause worthy.  I didn't run like I belonged on the cover of a magazine.  I just got up and ran.

As my mom followed me in the mini van full of my children, I realized that this running feeling reached over and touched the hearts of those I love.  My mother was full of pride.  She saw her daughter who a year ago was emotionally beaten down and wore the clothes of defeat hold her head up and face the long road with a smile on her face.  With every wave at my children at every kilometer I knew that this running feeling was spilling over to them.  I was showing them that life will knock you down but you will always have the ability to get up and run.

Taken by my 6 year old after the run.