Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Prayer

"Why do you feel so far away when I know you are with me?""
Dear God,
I am in the midst of a storm that terrifies me.  I am looking for you in this storm and I have to say at times it is hard to find you.  At night when the terrifying truth hits me and surrounds me with fear I try to search for you and hope that you hear me and hope that you have kept your promises.  At times my heart doubts you and wants to believe that you aren't real.  The truth is you are what I have always clung to.  Now it is even harder to hold on.  I just want to go back to that night and grab my tears, the horrible things that happened to my family and others that were hurt right out of history.  I want it erased.  I don't want to deal with it or work through it.  It is too difficult to wade through.  

I try not to ask the tormenting question of why this happened.  However tempting, I know that it is useless.  I may never know why.  I also doubt that there could be  a purpose for this chaos.  I am being honest with you God because I know you know me anyway.  There is no point in hiding how I feel.  

There are constant questions that keep invading my thoughts about the future.  How I am going to take on the lives of so many people and care for them? I miss the feeling of having someone to rely on.  Everyone sees my strength and calm.  At night, in the car, going to bed, I have a panic party.  My heart sinks and I can't pick it up.  You say you collect my tears.  Help me to know that you care about me that much.  I need to feel the effect of those words.

You've kept track of my every toss and turn 
      through the sleepless nights, 
   Each tear entered in your ledger, 
      each ache written in your book.  Psalm 56:8 The Message

Give me wisdom to make the right decisions for my family.  When I can't bring them comfort be the blanket of hugs that they need.  Fill their heart and mind with a feeling of security and calm.  Help me to know what things I can do and what jobs belong to you.  Help me to filter the voices that contradict your plan for our family.    I am going to cling to the words of Kiran's favourite song.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
Mat Redman


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Marmee's Circle

No matter where I go I am bound to find a woman who has an interesting story to tell or something inspiring to share about her life. On Monday (desperate for some outing time with adults) I asked my friend to accompany me on a few errands. After the usual stops at the bank, grocery store etc... we found our selves at the cutest store in Ajax- A Stone's Throw. We thought we would stop in for a minute to check out the cute "country cool" home decor stuff. The store has the cutest dazzling flower napkin rings and the most awesome french country style furniture. One of my favourite things is my "Pandora inspired" bracelet I got for Christmas. Every thing is so sophisticated but easily accessible. The owner, Rebbecca, was there to greet us with a warm smile. After looking at all the cute things the store had to offer I just couldn't help wonder how this place was born. Rebbecca was eager to share her story. She wanted to spend more time with her kids and a change from her legal assistant days. I could certainly relate to this story. I loved how someone with no retail background could have the audacity(in a good way) to start something on this scale. Talking to Rebbecca, I felt so proud to be a mom. It was inspiring to see the changes we will make for our families and how daring we are in the pursuit of our dreams.

On Wednesday morning I had a few good friends over with their little girls and boy. Once again I was reminded of how God has blessed me with such awesome women in my life. We snacked on fruit and chocolate croissants and shared laughs about crazy times "before kids" and rare crazy times after kids. Even though each of us were facing our own particular challenges there was no need to hide behind the wall of perfection. It meant more to us to share. If we were not feeling like the best mom we could say that without worry of judgement. Our children didn't have to be on their best behaviour- mine certainly weren't. Our marriages didn't have to be oozing with greatness, and our homes didn't have to be decorated to the max. It was just enough to be ourselves and talk about whatever it was that was on our minds. The stereotype of the over-stressed, competitive, pretence of perfection type of mother found no place at our table of honest chit chat.

And now for a little humour courtesy of Louisa May Alcott.