Bitterness Blooms

A fruit that requires patience and gentleness to really enjoy.

That day at court when the judge wouldn't hear the concerns I had for my children or the risks that I was trying to avoid - something took root.

That day in court when after speaking to the judge my soon to be ex-husband made immature faces at friends who came to support me.  That thing began to sprout.

Later on love escaped me - again.  I felt the vine growing and tightening around my feet and binding up my hands.

When I looked at my dreams, settled on my plans and was cautioned by my reality the branches now took a hold of my heart and anger bloomed.

In the minutes before my head found the pillow and my eyes released pools of loneliness, disappointment and rejection, I felt that bitter fruit take my breath away.

There it was - a bitterness I could taste in my mind, heart and breath.  After times in court with my husband when victory seemed to elude me I fell hard.  I fell back.  When I got up I waved that finger at God asking him about his whereabouts and his intentions.  I question his love and his commitment to me and my family.  I treat him like a wayward husband who is prone to abandonment and unfaithfulness.  Eventually I find myself turning away from him and ignoring his gentle calls to me.  How could he let me go through this?  How could he put my family through so much only to call us to this desolate place?  How could he?

Then something happens in the place that I crawl to beside him.  This place that he carefully carved with his arms where my body feels the weight of his protection and the comfort of his love.  He speaks to me and shows me his mercies.  He begins to cut away that fruit, cut down the branches and uproot that bitter plant that grew so deep.

I begin to see that he is carrying me and my kicking and screaming have only made him hold on tighter.  I begin to see that he won't let us go no matter how much others may abandon or try to hurt us.
I begin to see that he is waiting for my complete surrender and obedience.
I begin to see that out of my bitter circumstances something new can take root and bloom.

Then I begin - again.

I Write

I try to write.  The words come but the fear follows.  Worries about judgement settle near by.  And the words find their escape.  I am trying to be brave in this new world of mine.  I know it will be good - eventually.  But sometimes change can hurt.

There are moments when the bad is so bad I hurt all over.  Some days my beaten body carries me to my warm bed and I nestle beside my baby girl.  I look at her sweet lips pressed delicately together.  I watch her feather-like curls swirl this way and that around her round lovely face.  Kisses flow and our embrace tightens.  She is my Ella-Shilloh.

The past year and a half she has endured this treacherous life with me inside and out.  While I carried her my life endured pain that I never thought I could endure.  The horrid details are imprinted in a place I seldom visit anymore.  When she was born more pain followed and still kept following.  I tried to find peace in happiness.  Sometimes it was their waiting, other times they both escaped like runaway brides.

Lately I feel like my life is a race against time, money, and falling in over my head.  You get it. You've been there.  Maybe.  In the last three months I have gone through homelessness (for a short time), separation, and working outside of my home for the first time in a while.  My life became foreign to me.  My plans floated beside me out of the reach of my future.  The life of baking loaf after loaf of cinnamon bread, homeschooling, drop-ins, coffee breaks with the girls and diy-anything slipped by.

In three weeks I had changed my whole life and people couldn't recognize me anymore.  The honest truth is the hardest part about this brave new world of mine is not the separation, or the homelessness, or the work - it is the part where I have to find a new dream.

Here's the fear again.  Yet, I write.

Rearview Joy

I decided to take a look back and give thanks for the memories I was able to build with the people that matter the most in my life.  This past year took us on some thrilling (not in a good way) turns.  Even as I write this I have worries bouncing about.  Thankfully we have the capability as humans to look back and maybe sigh a little, tear up a little, but most importantly live a little joy all over again!

Greg and I celebrated 10 years of marriage on Dec 23rd.  Our life has taken some death defying drops  but I am amazed at how God is holding us together even though we drift so far.

I will always feel like that little girl with ribbons in her hair who had a mother who dared to love  me despite the mess I made!  (And continue to make!)

Every Christmas (except one) for the past 5 years we have had a new baby to welcome into our family.   They drive me to drink places I never imagined I wanted to visit- but the journey is worth it!

Happy New Year everyone!