Poop for the Course

Last week I ran my first official 5k race.  I spent the past 3 months preparing for this race.  This included running 3 times a week and cross-training 3 times a week.  I tried to eat clean and maintain a healthy mind.  When the day came for the race my mother and my four children joined me with as much excitement and anticipation as I had.  Watching the other women I saw that  though we were on the same course we are not all running the same race. 

As I took hold of the first 10 minutes of the race a bird came out of nowhere and decided to poop what seemed like Niagara Falls on my leg.  I had a moment where I thought this is it.  I can't continue with this menagerie of diseases following down my leg.  The next thought pushed through.  If I can run the rest of the race with this vile stuff strolling down my leg I would have accomplished something even greater than I set out to.

Lately I have been struck with feelings of loneliness, grief and a general feeling of being overwhelmed.  I heard myself say over and over that I just want to get over these feelings.  I cried out to God to relieve me of these feelings. Not only did these feelings hang around but more worries seemed to accompany them as the days swept by.  I felt overwhelmed at the thought of raising four young children on my own and knowing that at the end of the day the responsibility falls solely on me.  Don't get me wrong my mother is a strong support and help to me.  But at the end of the day I can't expect her help the way you would with a spouse.  When I get help it is a privilege that I am very grateful for.

Another realization I had with separation and divorce was how much I looked to others to meet my desires.  I remember having this strong need to belong from an early age.  I tried to have my friends, family, children, and marriage fill this need.  As a result of my separation I recognized this time in my life as an opportunity to accept that my fulfillment and desires cannot be completely satisfied by others.  I have had to sit with desires for companionship and belonging amongst others and place them in the hands of God.  I recognized that God alone can completely fill these desires.  When I look to others to fill them I will always ask of them what they were not meant to give.

Like my race that was literally pooped on, I can't expect to go through this separation and not encounter some poop.  Sometimes the poop has to sit with you for a while.  At the end of the race I joined my family, drank lots of water and almost forgot to wipe the poop off my leg.  The thing that almost stopped me in my tracks became manageable in the end.

Bitterness Blooms

A fruit that requires patience and gentleness to really enjoy.

That day at court when the judge wouldn't hear the concerns I had for my children or the risks that I was trying to avoid - something took root.

That day in court when after speaking to the judge my soon to be ex-husband made immature faces at friends who came to support me.  That thing began to sprout.

Later on love escaped me - again.  I felt the vine growing and tightening around my feet and binding up my hands.

When I looked at my dreams, settled on my plans and was cautioned by my reality the branches now took a hold of my heart and anger bloomed.

In the minutes before my head found the pillow and my eyes released pools of loneliness, disappointment and rejection, I felt that bitter fruit take my breath away.

There it was - a bitterness I could taste in my mind, heart and breath.  After times in court with my husband when victory seemed to elude me I fell hard.  I fell back.  When I got up I waved that finger at God asking him about his whereabouts and his intentions.  I question his love and his commitment to me and my family.  I treat him like a wayward husband who is prone to abandonment and unfaithfulness.  Eventually I find myself turning away from him and ignoring his gentle calls to me.  How could he let me go through this?  How could he put my family through so much only to call us to this desolate place?  How could he?

Then something happens in the place that I crawl to beside him.  This place that he carefully carved with his arms where my body feels the weight of his protection and the comfort of his love.  He speaks to me and shows me his mercies.  He begins to cut away that fruit, cut down the branches and uproot that bitter plant that grew so deep.

I begin to see that he is carrying me and my kicking and screaming have only made him hold on tighter.  I begin to see that he won't let us go no matter how much others may abandon or try to hurt us.
I begin to see that he is waiting for my complete surrender and obedience.
I begin to see that out of my bitter circumstances something new can take root and bloom.

Then I begin - again.

Showing Marriage Some Love

The women's and men's group at our church are getting together to plan a Valentine's Dinner.  We have sorted out a lot of details and are really excited about this event.  Along the way some have shared concerns about excluding single/divorced people.  Although it is important to be inclusive I felt it equally important to support marriages.

In the first five years of our marriage my husband and I were part of a group of three couples who met every Sunday night.  We prayed, had communion together, ate, and spent time together.  The other two couples had children.  We did not.  This did not matter to my husband and I.  We always commented on how much closer we felt after those evenings.  Although the purpose was to grow in our faith we ended up growing in our marriage.  I look back on those nights and they still fill me with some encouragement for the future.

The church we got married in was 100 years old.  I was hoping that would inspire a long marriage.

Those evenings are long gone and we are all spread apart.  I can tell you that one of the couples are on the way to divorce and my husband and I have been struggling for the past three and a half years.  I often wonder if things would have been different if we had stayed in this group?

You can't see the depth of joy and determination I felt on that day. 

I have also been thinking a lot lately about the programs/services etc... for married couples in churches.  It occurred to me that I have heard of almost every program under the sun i.e. MOPS, AWANA, Men's Small group, Family Small Group, Ladies Bible Study, mentorship programs, children's Sunday programs, Sports, I can go on and on.  I have never been to a church or heard of any churches that offer a couples/married group.  I am not sure why this is such an unpopular group.  The church is in the marriage business after all and nobody can ignore the blaring statistics on divorce.  So why is there so little in the way of creating opportunities for couples to get together and support each other on this journey?  

How does your church show marriage some love?