Mapping it Out

My life has taken some turns but God has it all mapped out.

Lately, I have felt like a ping pong ball being blown about out at sea.  One minute I'm happy with my renewed love of running and the sense of freedom it brings.  The next I'm saddened by the loss of dreams and the reality of separation.  These feelings stir an uneasiness in me because the one thing I crave is stability.

Going through a separation I experienced a myriad of emotions.  At first I felt this incredible weight lifted from my shoulders.  I felt renewed strength.  I breathed in air that was filled with hope for a better future for my children and myself.  People are always surprised when I say this because it seems like I didn't really care about my marriage.  The reality is the farthest thing from that statement.  What most people don't realize is that I grieved the loss of my marriage as I watched my husband slowly turn into a stranger over the past 4 years.  I grieved the loss of my marriage when I realized that improperly treated mental illness robs not only the sufferer but the rest of their family of any sense of security or peace.  I grieved the loss of my marriage when I realized that I had to make a choice that put safety and security on one end and marriage on the other.


Though I don't regret the decision to separate I am disturbed by the havoc it can spur in my life.  Dealing with custody and access issues are complicated especially when mental health issues are involved.  I find that I constantly have to find the balance between the health and safety of my children and consistent involvement with their father.  There is so much uncertainty in what you can expect from a situation that your mind is tempted to always to go beyond where you are comfortable.

Through this process I am hoping that God will show me which turns to take and which ones to avoid.  Right now that is all I can hope for.

Stumbling on Gentleness

I stumbled upon an amazing site that inspired me to spend more time with my children learning about God. This site appealed to me because it had very easy directions, the activities were engaging and always included an educational element.  What more could a Christian mom want?

Anyway, the site, Impress Your Kids, has activities that teach your child scripture and learn basic literacy skills at the same time.  I was excited to start this with my children.  I got all the materials ready and laid everything out.  I clicked on the first verse and found God speaking to me through a megaphone. 

"A gentle answer turns away anger." Proverbs 15:1. 

I have always struggled with anger.  My anger shows itself in yelling, name calling, and criticisms.  There are days where I feel sorry for the mess I put my children through.  I find most days I am squeezing my anger so tight so I won't "lose it".  The worst days are when I lose it and blame my kids, "if you had listened, mommy would not have to yell".  This is where I fail as a mother.  I allow my frustrations to get the best of me.  I excused my anger by telling myself that I was frustrated, tired and fed up.  So you can understand that when I stumbled on our very first verse and it is about gentleness I was convicted.

As we went on exploring this activity I had to demonstrate what a gentle answer was, apologize for my behavior and do a lot of reassuring.  I realized that through my constant reminders about what my son isn't doing right he got the idea that he "wasn't a good boy".  Our hearts lay broken side by side.  He cried and explained that he felt he "ruined everything" and he "couldn't stop doing bad stuff".  My mind searched for comforting words and I fell upon my own weaknesses.  I asked him if he thought I was a good mother.  His eyes lit up and he said yes.  I asked him if I did wrong things.  Then I said yes.  I explained that doing wrong things doesn't make me bad it just means I need God's help.   We talked about how remembering this verse could remind us that we need God's help.  

I did not expect this 'kid's stuff' to penetrate my heart.  I did not expect that by teaching my children the truth about God that conviction and repentance were going to follow.  I thank God that he can teach me to see his love through the eyes of my child.

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I'll Keep You

"I'll keep you forever.  And even when you die I will keep you."  Cohen 4.75 years old


Love stories are not just between man and woman, but also between mother and son.  My son woes me with his words.  His expression of gratitude stirs my thoughts.  Thoughts of God's blessings for our family.  

 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots  around your table. Psalm 128:3 (New International Version)

My son is very active.   The kind that wakes up running out of bed every morning.  He runs constantly.  He runs to the bathroom, downstairs to grandma, to the kitchen, to sit in his chair.  He never stops.  My son unravels me.  I like my mornings calm and quiet.  Not much to say, more to reflect and plan.  I get up early so I can hold the quiet.  I cherish it and sit with it until I hear those racing footsteps.  Cohen has landed.  


I was the quiet, hands folded, ankles crossed, ribbons in your hair kind of child.  I knew how to be quiet and how to be still.  My mother rarely had to discipline me in public.  Her look was enough to quiet any mischief that stirred in my heart.  I was so mindful of her and her expectations.  How very opposite my son and I are.  I struggle to meet his need for speed and action.  I struggle to sit with his constant need for movement.  Sometimes I wonder if someone is more perfect for him.  Is there someone out there who he could get to sit with his running?  


Then his words come floating into the room.  A reminder that God has chosen me.  He has chosen me to guide our boy's steps and nurture his heart.  I take in the gracious words.  In big mouthfuls.  I let his words swirl like a poplar seed into my heart.   My heart grows love for his boy.  The dawn to dusk action still throws me.  But I'll keep him too.  We were made for each other.

"One of the characteristics of the olive tree is the production of sprouts at its base...(I)n Bible days olives were often grown directly from the sprouts. The olive farmer would select sprouts from his best trees, carefully remove them, and plant them where they would be carefully tended. Psalm 128:3 may be a reference to this practice-"your sons will be like olive shoots round your table". http://www.odu.edu/~lmusselm/plant/bible/olive.php

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