Saturday, August 22, 2009

By Our Love

It took 2 hours of cleaning, listening to Newsboys and thinking quietly to myself to come to terms with something I have always found difficult. How do you let "it" go? I am known for white knuckling it. I hold for dear life to every word, relationship and decision. So when I heard that one of my son's soccer coaches didn't like him, the journey to letting go stretched out for miles in front of me.

Peanut, my sister from another mother, told me this would be hard. I remember her telling me how much it bothered her to hear negative remarks about her son from his teacher. I would tell her that her son's success and failures are not tied in to her identity. She remarked, you'll see when your son starts school. He starts school in September and I can already see the light. The bright spotlight on my son which reveals my weaknesses. September will be back to school for the both of us.

After I found out that one of my son's coach didn't like him I became angry. I made comments and created thoughts that came naturally to me. Here is a brief list:
1. The feeling is mutual
2. How unprofessional of him to share this with other parents
3. I knew there was something about him I didn't like
4. I am going to give him a piece of my mind

This is my natural reaction when I feel attacked or criticized. I remind myself that it is not I who is being criticized it is my son. Yet it stings. The fears of nonacceptance and disapproval from adults that I had as a child surfaces as if time hasn't passed at all. The more I think about the words the angrier I get. I make up fake conversations with the coach in my head. I know that is one area I can do more damage than most- my words. I think of all the witty and mean things I could say back. I start to criticize his son and his family. All the while I continue to feel angrier and angrier.

Eight hours later I find myself cleaning my kitchen form top to bottom and mopping my ground level floors. As I try to cling to my "cleanie" life 7 words pop into my mind. "They will know us by our love." I ask myself how can I love someone that I feel no connection to and I actually dislike. Yet I begin to think about tomorrow when my son gives one of his coaches a gift. I feel compelled to give a gift to this coach as well. There is no sentimental thoughts about it. I just know that love is an action and that is a way I can demonstrate love. By the time I have cleaned my kitchen, family room, dinning room, front room and guest bathroom I have figured out that through love I can let "it" go.

Wish me blessings tomorrow!

Galatians 5:22 (The Message)
22-23But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.


gray matter said...

This is a very sensitive subject.

First of all I'm gonna come out and say that I love and applaud the way you handled the situation. Letting "it" go was the best thing you could do as holding on to "it" would cause more damage than any thing else. As a parent, as a mother, regardless of how sophisticated and Civilized we as homosapiens claim to be, when ever our offspring are threatened we become as primordial as a mother grizzly bear in the spring time.

Myrtle the wall of hate is a wall that you are going to encounter as long as you walk this earth. At a very young age mother said to me "you go out into the world and not every one will like you. most of the time you find that the percentage of people who dislike you is greater than percentage which does like you." This is an unfortunately a fact of life. The pain of unacceptance, marginalization, the label of "out cast", or "black sheep" of the heard are stains that last for a life time. We all have painful memories which originate from some form of rejection from one period in life or another, and even as young people we make solemn promises to our selves that our children will never ever be exposed to such negativity, but they live this world, thus you are only delaying the inevitable.

It hurts 10 times more when you as parent has to witness the same thing that happened to you, happen to your child, happen to your offspring. You feel that history is repeating it's self, You thought you'd escaped this nightmare years ago and here it is again staring you plain in the face! one feels overwhelmed and helpless! yes the anger is there and one is not as weak as one once was as a child, yes you can defend your urchin, but you know at the end of the day when all the dust settles, you cant make someone like him, and you cant make him unaware that some one doesn't like him, thus you cant spear him the cold feeling of unacceptance.

We all deal with the cards we're dealt with. most of our make up is formed from within the womb. we're born multihued and the world either loves that or not.

I go to work and school everyday. Everyday I meet different people. I meet people who I form life lasting relationships with and I meet people who I wish I'd never laid eyes on. This is one of life's great lessons. This is were one learns to deal with people. Your infant is learning that, and at this point rushing in like a mother grizzly bear is not the best the approach. Guiding him and explaining things to him are one of the best things you can right now.

Some times it takes one a while to learn this but one eventually does learn. Not every one in this world will like you, its human nature. If you've got a group of 10 friends chances are only 5 of them are genuine, maybe less! If you seem to be liked no matter where you go, you can bet you're liked for multiple reasons, and half of those reasons have nothing to do with your beautiful personality.

I have come up with a method to combat this vicious aria.

1) Your first instinct is usually right! you can usually tell within a few moments of meeting some one if you all are going to be; A) Best buddies B) Great acquaintances C)Silent but polite.
You decide where to place the random people you meet on daily basis, and you can also teach this relationship organization to your son as well. Also one has to learn to see through those angelic faces, Hypocrisy is alive and well. Eventually however their true colors will show remember A deceitful person cannot keep friends for long! Remember don't wait for some to hurt you before you give them the boot! First instinct is usually right!!!!!

2) Once one is done organizing its evidently clear who are the positive people in your life.

3) Surround your self with these positive people!!!! make sure when ever you're in that circle of friendship, its a circle that allows you to feel good about your self. That way the thoughts of people who dislike you are obliterated from your mind!

gray matter said...

In closing,
Every day I meet new people, its blatant who is a "best buddy"- some one I love talking to and being around. a great person, open minded, intellectual, kind hearted, a great form of support and encouragement.

Who is a "Great acquaintances"- some one who I say hello to and hold light conversations with when ever I happen to run into them "hello, how are you? I'm having some coffee can I pour you a cup?".

and Who is a "Silent but polite" type- These people you usually just smile and give a head gesture, maybe a hand gesture if you're feeling generous. You know how they feel about you and you and your offspring and you respect that. There for you avoid every situation which would lead to a clash of the Titans.

Remember people will love your son, people will hate your son, others will secretly wish to be your son. thats life.

Stay happy.
Love J.