Mapping it Out

My life has taken some turns but God has it all mapped out.

Lately, I have felt like a ping pong ball being blown about out at sea.  One minute I'm happy with my renewed love of running and the sense of freedom it brings.  The next I'm saddened by the loss of dreams and the reality of separation.  These feelings stir an uneasiness in me because the one thing I crave is stability.

Going through a separation I experienced a myriad of emotions.  At first I felt this incredible weight lifted from my shoulders.  I felt renewed strength.  I breathed in air that was filled with hope for a better future for my children and myself.  People are always surprised when I say this because it seems like I didn't really care about my marriage.  The reality is the farthest thing from that statement.  What most people don't realize is that I grieved the loss of my marriage as I watched my husband slowly turn into a stranger over the past 4 years.  I grieved the loss of my marriage when I realized that improperly treated mental illness robs not only the sufferer but the rest of their family of any sense of security or peace.  I grieved the loss of my marriage when I realized that I had to make a choice that put safety and security on one end and marriage on the other.


Though I don't regret the decision to separate I am disturbed by the havoc it can spur in my life.  Dealing with custody and access issues are complicated especially when mental health issues are involved.  I find that I constantly have to find the balance between the health and safety of my children and consistent involvement with their father.  There is so much uncertainty in what you can expect from a situation that your mind is tempted to always to go beyond where you are comfortable.

Through this process I am hoping that God will show me which turns to take and which ones to avoid.  Right now that is all I can hope for.