Wednesday, December 29, 2010

This Miracle Business

Since finding out the diagnosis of my eldest son and eldest daughter I have gone from feeling frustrated to feeling overwhelmed to feeling defeated.  To most people Cohen and Hannah seem just fine.  They are loving, sweet and playful. Most people don't know the daily (sometimes hourly) struggles they face.  Regular tantrums are seen as just a phase and open defiance are met with awkward giggles.  I try to explain that these are just glimpses into the bigger picture.  But most people want to reassure me that everything is okay.  Yet I know the diagnosis and I see that even though their actions may be similar to other children the outcome in the long run won't be the same.  This is difficult to explain to most people.  

When you adopt a child you hold that baby with one hand and hold their dreams with another.  You hope that you can be the difference that their little life needs.  Most times you don't have a lot of information about birth parents and sometimes what information you have is sketchy.  You are just so in love with that perfect baby you can't bring yourself to think about what could be wrong.  You are just so thrilled to "have" a baby!  
I often share the story about when I first found out we were going to be Cohen's parents.  My heart leaped out of the car and then rested back in it's place.  I quickly realized Cohen wasn't mine.  I handed him over to God.  Somewhere along the way I think I may have taken him back. (Sorry God!)  I spend huge amounts of time wondering if God knew what he was doing when he chose me as Cohen's parent.  He must have not had his thoughts straight because he didn't realize how impatient and easily annoyed I get.  How could he think that I could be a good enough parent for our children?  My incessant worrying reveals my lack of trust in God to provide (emotionally) for our family.  
So when I look at the scary future in front of me I realize that I can't find what I am looking for.   There will always be scary statistics that tell me that most likely my son or daughter won't make it and most likely our family will fall apart under the pressure and most likely they will have devastating relationships with their siblings.  But today God tapped me on the shoulder, pulled me into the shower with tears mingling with the beads of rain, and drew me to his feet.  There I laid down my business and requested nothing short of a miracle.  Now all I have to do is trust him and act on his promises to me.  
Perhaps, instead of wringing my hands with worry, I need to get busy with what I can control. There's always something I can do to bring order to my situation. It's not a distraction technique ... it's an act of faith.  Jesus is still in the business of miracles, and I definitely can't do those.
Dear Lord, forgive me when I focus more on my own limitations rather than Your power. There is nothing too great for You. Help me to turn my thoughts away from what I can't do, to what You have placed in front of me. I trust You to do the rest. In Jesus' Name, Amen.  (From Encouragement for Today Proverbs 31 Ministries)


Shannon said...

Love you, Myrtle. More importantly GOD loves you.

Rebecca MacIntosh said...

You. My dear. Are inspiring. As always.

Amy said...

Sending prayers and warm thoughts your family's way, Myrtle.

Mining for Diamonds said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I look forward to reading more of your journey! Your family is beautiful!

Steph said...

As always, such a beautifully written post. Thanks for the reminder to rely on God instead of just ourselves. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who has said "What was He thinking?" when he made me a parent!