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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Cultivating the Life God Desires- A Renewing Heart


As I read Ann Voskamp's blog about Easter I am reminded of renewal. This evening at church we had our prayer meeting. To be honest I am sometimes motivated to do "church stuff" because I enjoy the company of other people. It is not always for the right reasons. I was even afraid that I would fall asleep. This was a plausible outcome because I have 9 more days to go in this pregnancy and I feel that I could fall asleep at any moment and anywhere. I went anyway, and was pleasantly surprised when God revealed something to me.

We are praying for Renewal, Revival and Awakening in our church. I heard the sermon about why we are doing this but it didn't have meaning for me until tonight. I thought about all the road blocks in our family's opportunity for renewal. To name a few, my husband's illness, my difficulties with parenting and anger, and the challenges of a fourth child. Sometimes I get caught up in the disappointments of the day like arguements with my husband about- well every little thing. I get distracted by over disciplining my children. I forget to ask God to sprinkle some dirt and water on my tired and weak heart. I forget in between those moments to whisper a renewing prayer asking God to take over the desires of my heart. In the process the grace that I need to pass on to my kids is gone and the compassion that I should have growing in my heart towards my husband has wilted away.

Titus 3:4-5 (The Message)

3-8It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. He gave us a good bath, and we came out of it new people, washed inside and out by the Holy Spirit. Our Savior Jesus poured out new life so generously. God's gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this.


I was reminded at the prayer meeting that God wants to renew my weak and tired heart daily. In growing a new heart God can change the stubbornness of my will, the coolness of my attitude and the quick flicking anger that stirs in the pit of my stomach.

Lord as I go to sleep, put to sleep my old, tired, bitter, hasty heart. In the morning let me rise with a heart that is new, alive, and growing according to your plans for my day. Help my heart to inspire those around me to reach out for you and your promise of renewal.

Thank you.



Friday, April 16, 2010

The Good the Bad and the Guilty


A few days ago I sat at my O.B.G.Y.N's office filled with exhaustion, guilt, physical pain and frustration. There are many things I felt guilty and exhausted for. I felt guilty for taking out my frustration on my son and I am exhausted because I am 36.5 weeks pregnant. I can’t imagine that in less than 2 weeks I am going to have my fourth child. I always wanted a large family. I always wanted to have a lot of children running around my house and making happy noises. Thoughts of freshly painted pictures covering the fridge, fingers covered in messy food, and quiet moments of prayer and reflection at the end of a day filled with hugs and laughter were ever present. I feel so far from that mother I thought I would be with all those happy noises. My son’s constant need to articulate every thought and action irritates me and the sibling rivalry is enough to make me want to sit them outside our porch with a FREE sign around their necks.








Where did I think I was going to get all that patience and loving tender care from? Most of the time inside I feel selfish and short tempered. I can’t let their need to be children override my need to be right and in control. If they cry because they are upset I have to tell them to stop. I can’t handle them crying – maybe except my middle child. I carry a lot of guilty thoughts about him around. I worry that being my only biological child right now will create a problem for my other two children later. Fifteen years ago I never imagined that being a mother entailed so much worry and guilt. I had my dream of my life as a stay at home mom to adopted and biological children well played out. I remember spending many Sunday afternoons thinking about what my life with my family in my dreams would be like. I thought I would have myself all straightened out by then. All the habits and quirks would work themselves out of my life.
As I was cleaning the kitchen sink this morning I wondered why I thought being a mother was going to be such a dream. Where did I get this idea from? It certainly wasn't from my mother. My mother came to Canada on her own when she was just 23 years old. She worked as a nanny for a while. I saw her struggle to put herself through school and take care of me at the same time. Memories of leaving my mom behind while I went on vacations with another family will always stay in my mind. She struggled to hold her fears in check but at times they spilled all over her parenting. She so desperately wanted me to have a different life. She struggled to discipline me but frustration and worry were usually friends to her discipline. I knew my mother loved me very much. I felt it in her determination and her struggles. When she failed at parenting, it was out of desperate love. When she succeeded it was out of that same desperate love. Parenting didn't strike me as coming easy for my mother. So I don't know why I thought it was going to be such a dream?. It is so much harder than I thought. I thought that I would be a pro at it. Where is the woman who was supposed to be fun and full of patience and love. Where is the woman who is firm but kind? Did I ever have the potential to be that woman?


I sit here tonight with no answers to those questions. I just have to trust that my children will know that in the end I just want to be the good part of their bad day, the good ending to a chapter in their life, the good mom who is desperate in her love for them.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Prayer

"Why do you feel so far away when I know you are with me?""
Dear God,
I am in the midst of a storm that terrifies me.  I am looking for you in this storm and I have to say at times it is hard to find you.  At night when the terrifying truth hits me and surrounds me with fear I try to search for you and hope that you hear me and hope that you have kept your promises.  At times my heart doubts you and wants to believe that you aren't real.  The truth is you are what I have always clung to.  Now it is even harder to hold on.  I just want to go back to that night and grab my tears, the horrible things that happened to my family and others that were hurt right out of history.  I want it erased.  I don't want to deal with it or work through it.  It is too difficult to wade through.  

I try not to ask the tormenting question of why this happened.  However tempting, I know that it is useless.  I may never know why.  I also doubt that there could be  a purpose for this chaos.  I am being honest with you God because I know you know me anyway.  There is no point in hiding how I feel.  

There are constant questions that keep invading my thoughts about the future.  How I am going to take on the lives of so many people and care for them? I miss the feeling of having someone to rely on.  Everyone sees my strength and calm.  At night, in the car, going to bed, I have a panic party.  My heart sinks and I can't pick it up.  You say you collect my tears.  Help me to know that you care about me that much.  I need to feel the effect of those words.

You've kept track of my every toss and turn 
      through the sleepless nights, 
   Each tear entered in your ledger, 
      each ache written in your book.  Psalm 56:8 The Message

Give me wisdom to make the right decisions for my family.  When I can't bring them comfort be the blanket of hugs that they need.  Fill their heart and mind with a feeling of security and calm.  Help me to know what things I can do and what jobs belong to you.  Help me to filter the voices that contradict your plan for our family.    I am going to cling to the words of Kiran's favourite song.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
Mat Redman

Myrtle

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Marmee's Circle


No matter where I go I am bound to find a woman who has an interesting story to tell or something inspiring to share about her life. On Monday (desperate for some outing time with adults) I asked my friend to accompany me on a few errands. After the usual stops at the bank, grocery store etc... we found our selves at the cutest store in Ajax- A Stone's Throw. We thought we would stop in for a minute to check out the cute "country cool" home decor stuff. The store has the cutest dazzling flower napkin rings and the most awesome french country style furniture. One of my favourite things is my "Pandora inspired" bracelet I got for Christmas. Every thing is so sophisticated but easily accessible. The owner, Rebbecca, was there to greet us with a warm smile. After looking at all the cute things the store had to offer I just couldn't help wonder how this place was born. Rebbecca was eager to share her story. She wanted to spend more time with her kids and a change from her legal assistant days. I could certainly relate to this story. I loved how someone with no retail background could have the audacity(in a good way) to start something on this scale. Talking to Rebbecca, I felt so proud to be a mom. It was inspiring to see the changes we will make for our families and how daring we are in the pursuit of our dreams.

On Wednesday morning I had a few good friends over with their little girls and boy. Once again I was reminded of how God has blessed me with such awesome women in my life. We snacked on fruit and chocolate croissants and shared laughs about crazy times "before kids" and rare crazy times after kids. Even though each of us were facing our own particular challenges there was no need to hide behind the wall of perfection. It meant more to us to share. If we were not feeling like the best mom we could say that without worry of judgement. Our children didn't have to be on their best behaviour- mine certainly weren't. Our marriages didn't have to be oozing with greatness, and our homes didn't have to be decorated to the max. It was just enough to be ourselves and talk about whatever it was that was on our minds. The stereotype of the over-stressed, competitive, pretence of perfection type of mother found no place at our table of honest chit chat.

And now for a little humour courtesy of Louisa May Alcott.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Happy Birthday Coco!


Our little coconut turns 4 today. You are quick, persistent and lovable. Your little brother wants to be just like you and your little sister loves your hugs. I hope your wish to go into space comes true. Enjoy your day and eat as much cake as you want. We love you very much! Happy birthday!

More Room


I am beginning to slowly comprehend what it means to be pregnant with child #4. Yes you are reading correctly. I am 3 months pregnant. The way I looked with amazement at the stick is the same way you are looking at your screen right now. Here is a brief list of the comments I have received:
-Have you ever heard of birth control? (my mother?!)
-Whose is it? (My husband)
-Don't you know how to keep your legs closed? (almost stranger)
-There won't be enough toys. Two babies are enough. (My eldest)
-Pregnant silence (many)
I always said I wanted at least 4 children and I do feel blessed that God heard me. But after number 3 I was on the fence about having another child. With all that is going on in our family right now I just couldn't see how it would work. It was a complete and utter surprise that I would be blessed with the opportunity to carry another child. It took me a while to get over the negative comments and lack of joy this news brought. Some reactions were hurtful and stung but I have moved on.
Because I am a mother of 3 my day becomes busy pretty quickly. I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of shaping the hearts and minds of my children and the practical details of their life at times. I found that a whole day could go by and I would not have given any thought to the life that is slowly growing inside of me. At times I didn't feel pregnant and at other times when the nausea railroaded my body it is all I could think about. Now as a lay in bed at night I touch that small soft spot on my stomach and try to think about this new life. I pray for health for the baby. I try to give this new life a few moments of my day. Pray for our family as we make room for this new life. There is a lot going on in our lives right now and this may seem like such a whirl wind of a time to have a baby. I know that God has a plan for our lives and all I can do is trust him. Wish us blessings, we need them.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Student Teacher


My son ran up to one of the teachers in his new school with happiness and anticipation in each leap. He asked if she was his kindergarten teacher. Smiling she said that his teacher was down the hall. Knowing the rules I quickly checked with the office and they told me to have a look down the hallway.
As a teacher I always had eager students walk into my class during the summer months to check out their new classroom and teacher. I didn't mind and thought their excitement was both cute and contagious. However, as I am beginning to learn, things are very different in my parent shoes.
As we checked out the classrooms looking for my son's new teacher we spotted a group of friendly enough looking teachers having a chat. My son asked again if his teacher was around. A young dark haired teacher smiled sympathetically while another more "experienced" teacher looked sternly at me and asked me if I had checked in with the office and if we knew that teachers would not see families until next week. All this was said without smiles or cheerfulness. I could tell by her tone that she felt responsible for her other colleagues well being and couldn't possibly have this 3 going on 4 year old child get the impression that school was a flexible, come as you are, delight in us, expect us to expect you kind of place. She looked at me with restrained displeasure and I looked at her as if my son and I had traded places.
At the first meeting I attended at my son's school way back in the summer I was met with this type of reception. We were told to attend a meeting to give us information on the school and the kindergarten program. I brought all 3 of my children because I couldn't find care for them. Many others brought their children as well. A friend of mine told me that the school might have childcare for the children that came with the parents. Nonetheless I was keen on having my children with me. As I sat down I spotted parents with children seated beside them or on their laps. We were intensely drinking every word that was fed to us about the school and the program. Half-way through the meeting the same "experienced" teacher I spoke of before informed parents that if they have a child sitting in one of the chairs they need to ask the child to get up because this is after all a "parent meeting". I smiled because my children were not seated in any of the chairs and then my smiled opened up into shock as I realized what I had just witnessed.
As I walked out of the school I realized that things would be very different in "this" school environment. I recognized the insincere tones and concealed meanings behind words and gestures. The appearance of politeness laced with arrogance. It seems like we forget that parents know the script. They know what is really being said when we give advice and make unnecessary comments. As much as schools are supposed to be the hub of the community, the centre of our miniature universe, they can seem worlds away from what is familiar and welcoming. I felt both sad and disappointment for the school my son was so eager to be a part of and for the world I had left behind. I wondered if I had used those tones and gestures and if the parents I met had felt so dismissed and foreign.

I have decided not to tell my son's teacher that I am a teacher. I want to experience what most parents endure as the accompany their children on this life long journey.

Wish us blessings!

Note: This post was not about "teacher bashing". Some of my closest friends, Missy & Q are amongst the best teachers in the world.