I was visiting over at The Faith Barista and I was awed by her discussion on making hard decisions. Earlier this week I spoke about a period of sadness I am experiencing. This sadness is fueled by a desire to make a choice.
When I am tormented by a decision it is because one of the choices agitates something I value. I am tortured with the thought of valuing happiness (presumed happiness) over commitment. I have had this discussion with dear and gracious friends who shed light and warmth on this for me. At the end of the conversation I am faced with the question, "What are you going to do?". Each time my throat tightens and I want to say, "I don't want to do anything." Yet in the back of my mind there is a voice questioning this lack of action. This voice urges me to think that there is something wrong with not acting and making decisions.
You have to understand that I have always enjoyed making decisions and following them through no matter how impossible. I have done things that people told me I couldn't do or that would scare most people. This is due to my willingness to just jump in, pick a side, and move forward. So this place of in-action and indecision is new for me.
I am beginning to realize that this is where God might want me to be. After reading The Faith Barista's post I realized that God wants complete reliance on him. Not on my ability to get the job done, make decisions in a flash or stick to the plan. God wants me to rely on his grace to forgive and his word to guide. It feels like I am opening my eyes for the first time in this area. Like opening your eyes for the first time on a bright morning it stings a little. It may take some time to get used to just waiting for God to speak or move in our lives. My inability to make a decision is God's way of starting his job in this area of my life.