Monday, October 11, 2010

Sitting with Sadness

A strange feeling came over me.  I felt sadness.  I rarely feel sad.  My emotions usually leap to anger.  Yet this Thanksgiving I struggled with this sadness.  It waited for me at most corners.  It lingered behind the sweet coos of my baby and the scenes of childhood in my home.  Tears would form little pools behind over sized sunglasses.  I have been pushing it away for months now.  Putting off the grieving and dealing with the trauma I endured.  I filled my summer days with outings galore, friends, girl's nights and activity.  I couldn't afford to stand still - even with a newborn.  Now I look around and I survey the damage and I feel the crash of sadness.

A friend pointed out to me that I laugh to hide pain.  I didn't agree at the time.  Laughter is just a part of me.  That big annoying cackle is just what I was born with.  Then sadness came and sat with me for a while.  I couldn't laugh anymore.  I missed it.  Every time I spoke to someone I wanted to laugh even while the words were aching.  It was tempting to lace my e-mails with humour even when I spoke of my sadness to my friends.  Even now I find it hard to focus on the pain I am soaking in.  I want to run to the quickest funny.  I learned this weekend that I love to laugh because I could put people at ease.  

My laughter never felt fake or put on to me.  It was as easy as breathing.  Showing the weight that I carried meant that I couldn't be enjoyed.  Sitting with my sadness out in the open made me uncomfortable.  I didn't want to burden anyone or ask too much.  I hate being the one that needed fixing or helping.  I wanted to make the people around me light not heavy with the load of my problems. This year has been especially hard because I have had to lean on a lot of people.  I feel this inner struggle to share but not to overwhelm or bring people down.  More importantly sadness seemed unchristian to me.  What does God do with my sadness anyway?

So now I am sitting with my sadness.  I am looking at it in the eye.   We have been skirting around each other for a while.  But the time is here for our first formal meeting.  I don't know how long I will be here.  I do know why I am here though.  The decisions that are weighing on me are calling me to wrestle with thoughts that I would much rather bury.  If you ask me how I am doing and I say not very good.  Please don't think you have to do anything.  If you can't sit with me where I am- wait for me where you are.  It will take a while but I hope to join you.

Have you ever had to sit with your sadness?


Jennifer Fulks said...

I'm not sure of your circumstances, but it's ok to feel sad. Embrace it and feel it. It will lift eventually. Until then feel free to take your time. I understand. I pulled away from almost everyone this past summer while I "regrouped." And when I was ready to walk in the sunshine again, I had friends and family waiting for me. It was a true Blessing. I am sure you will find the same. {{{HUGS}}}

Anonymous said...

Myrtle dear, i feel you! and while circumstances may be different, i too have had to sit in sadness... but before i allowed myself to sit in it, i was conflicted by what i feel i was supposed to always be " the light, laughter and empowerer of all around me" and then i realised that i couldn't do it anymore - i allowed / still allow myself a time to feel sadness. Remember, Jesus wept - he too felt sadness. The thing that's interesting - is that, even in his sadness there was power - God enriches us in our sadness. In the depth of my sadness, i had the most intimate powerful connection with our father in heaven and for those who walked along with me - a deeper friendship and connection was formed. All i can say is - Let God meet you in your brokenness. It will be one of your best experiences in retrospect. i love you and will be praying for you. Wangari

Danielle said...

Absolutely! It is great though once you are on the other side! Thanks for stopping by!!

Jennifer Fulks said...

I read this this morning and thought of you! :)

A Lil Story said...

Sometimes sadness holds a permanent place in our soul. It gets smaller, but it is always there in some capacity. I learned that hard lesson over the past few years... but thankfully God can still provide joy through the sadness, and hope for the future. =) You are a beautiful writer- thank you for sharing this!